How did I ever do it all? How do any good teachers do so much? How do they hang in there in the long stretch from January to spring break? Giving, giving, giving– living, really— for their students to pass the holy spring tests?

Only two years ago, I was busy planning weekly lessons all day on Sundays, and spending the rest of the week teaching all day, grading work and revising lessons most evenings, supervising after-school study sessions, tutoring or attending meetings before school, preparing for professional development, as well as keeping the house moderately clean, spending time with family on Saturdays, and getting up early to write and revise a novel. Thankfully, my husband did all the laundry and most of the cooking, with the help of a succession of those popular meal delivery kits that save busy people from planning menus and shopping. Not surprisingly, my main regret at the end of my teaching career was giving so much to other kids and not my own.

Since then, my schedule has eased. I’m generally able to sleep as long as I like, and I don’t have the pressure of students wanting solid feedback on their work. I have written some college recommendations, done a little tutoring, and helped with some professional development, but the pressure is off. I finally have time for my adult kids, if they have time to hang out or talk.

My priorities are changing.

Being under the weather over the holidays and again in late January gave me plenty of time to think about how I want to spend my retirement days and months. After watching the few Hallmark movies with original plots from my sickbed, I was ready to take stock of who I am and where I’ve been.

A few times in my life, I purposefully pushed myself uncomfortably to make myself a better parent or teacher. I joined a church softball team with embarrassing results to prove to my daughter that it’s okay to do things you’re not good at. I became a member of a fiction writing organization and timidly stuck out my neck to submit short stories to their anthologies. I also agreed to give public presentations about my historical novel work, despite my introverted nature. These experiences made me more sympathetic to the challenges some of my students faced in the classroom, but they weren’t really for me; they were designed to benefit someone else. That’s pretty common for teachers who scramble for ways to make their kids successful.

But now, some people might say I’m moving into my Sage-ing years. That’s an actual thing for retirees to pursue: being a wise role model during retirement, a sage.

Others might say I’ve earned my free time, my retirement, that I don’t have to answer to anybody!

I’m starting to agree with the latter concept: I’ve done my part. I’m ready to experience more free time, even though I’ll probably never voluntarily park myself in front of the TV all day. (A book in hand on a rainy day, though, is another thing entirely.)

No, now that I have more time, I’m ready to choose activities to please or enrich myself, not to become someone’s role model and spew advice. I’m actively working to stop doing that!

And I’ve started! I’m in year two of piano lessons. I’ve graduated to the second book, and each week, we inch closer to the back cover. I can read both staffs, play several chords without looking at my hands, use the right pedal, and entertain myself with a few basic songbooks for a solid thirty minutes. Pretty cool for a person who just looked longingly, albeit cross-eyed, at simple piano music several months ago. I’m proud of my accomplishments so far, even if I have no desire to play in front of others.

And there’s more.

Despite my introversion with strangers, I’ve finally earned enough volunteer points to qualify for a double promotion up and out of my intern status as a Master Gardener. The time I spent with other gardeners has taught me about seed libraries, winter sowing, raising vegetables, native and invasive plants, herbs, and more. That time has also helped me hold my own- for at least a few minutes- when talking with my friends who are real masters at gardening.

Most importantly, retirement has allowed me time to get to know myself. Every waking minute hasn’t been devoted to planning and preparing and giving feedback to students. I’m focusing on me.

I’m learning to be a better work partner as I study my personality and tendencies. Just last week, I collaborated with my husband on TWO home projects. We worked SIDE by SIDE, not individually on parts of the whole to be combined later. During our work, I kept my directives to a minimum. And even though his ideas weren’t mine, both projects were successful. The twelve winter-sowing milk jugs are seeded and settled in the garden, and no one bled! The dog no longer can open the doors into the living room by tugging at the curtains, and no one bled!

It’s time for me to be a student … of what I want to learn, what I need to learn to better myself, for me! Not what I SHOULD know by now. Not how to make a delicious pie crust or how to change the oil in the Kia, or how to fold clothes most efficiently.

Certainly not to be another kind of teacher!

Nope. I’ll settle for continuing my spiritual quest, seeing more of the world, and being as kind as I can be to others. That list is probably sufficient and plenty.

Yep, I’m gonna pass on the Sage badge.