After…

28 years of marriage
3300 nights together
23 weeks since Jerry died
153 days since Jerry died
3 times I’ve left the house wearing mismatched socks
8 physical books I’ve read
6 times I’ve snapped at someone who is just trying to help me
7 days I have baked goodies
20 times I’ve remembered the day we met
148 mornings I’ve kept to my chronological Bible-reading plan
5 times I’ve used the weed whip
30 nights I’ve lain awake reading past 11 PM
3 times I’ve hugged someone and told them I loved them for the first time
9 suppers with the kids
14  times my kids have told me they think I’m losing my mind  
4 journals I’ve written in
3 times I’ve teared up with my family
1.5 average daily times I’ve teared up while alone
18 Mondays I’ve cleaned house and done laundry
6 moments when I teared up in front of random strangers
5 day trips
139 morning walks with Eliza

12 times I’ve looked through old pictures
5 times I’ve teared up in groups
6 nights I’ve spent in a strange bed without Jerry
18 e-books I’ve read
42 times I’ve teared up with my kids
51 loads of laundry washed and folded
10 book-discussion meetings I’ve attended
8  trips to the Mission with donations
76 mornings I’ve wished I could stay in bed all day
3 face masks I’ve used to clean the shed
5 times I’ve mowed the yard
15 nights I’ve awakened between 1 and 3 AM and read
5 GriefShare meetings
4 filled sticky-note pads
4 times I’ve mowed the grass
50 times I’ve teared up with friends
153 days I’ve been grateful for my time with Jerry
3 times I’ve tried to fix the weed whip
6 nights I’ve spent on vacation
12 times I’ve learned to operate or fix a tool, device, or machine
22 new apps or websites I’ve navigated
16 appointments with professional experts
5 piano lessons
4 times I’ve tried to start the weed whip
9 visits with friends
18 meals or coffee appointments with friends
4 meals with my mom
10 finance meetings
25 medical appointments for myself and others
2 times I’ve been to church

41 times I’ve written and sent a card or letter
7 times I’ve FaceTimed with my granddaughter
9 visits from friends
2 times I’ve been to Quaker meeting
12 days spent with our granddaughter
112 items on my now-abandoned accomplishment chart
4 days I’ve eaten more than three brownies
5 meals I’ve hosted for a group
11 events I’ve attended
2 journals I’ve decorated
1 birthday I’ve celebrated
3 visits to my spiritual director
2 times I’ve given up using the weed whip
4 times I’ve returned something to Amazon
3 times I’ve picked up flower bouquets
14 correspondences with and from the Social Security Administration
16 journals I’ve laminated
12 bouquets I’ve made from my garden
135 times I expect I’ve prayed with sincere gratitude
18 times I’ve whined to God
36 times I’ve felt guilty for whining to God
♾️ times I’ve leaned on the kids, my sister, and my friends …

Here I am, Lord, waiting for what’s next.
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